Some Funny Harry potter jokes
by BrokenRecord69
Summary: i found these online just thought i'd share them with you


Found some funny harry potter stuff and decided to share it with you please don't get offended at any content and I don't own any of these jokes the rights go to their rightful writers! Enjoy….

I will not skip to the headmaster's office singing 'we're off to see the wizard' ... lol

"I will not make jokes about Lupin and 'his time of the month'"

Knock knock.

Who's there?

You know.

You know who?

He's dead; you can say his name now.

How many death eaters does it take to light up a wand?

One, but you'll have to find one with a hand.

How many snape's does it take to light up a wand?

WAIT! HE'S ABOUT TO INVENT THE NEWEST REMEDY FOR GREASY HAIR!

The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball.

I will not use Umbridge's quill to write "I told you I was hard-core".

I will stop referring to showering as "giving Moaning Myrtle an eyeful".

If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw a Dark Mark on their arm. (Luv this one)

House elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers.

Starting a betting pool on the fate of this year's Defence against the Dark Arts teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a clever money-making concept.

Seamus Finnegan is not "after me Lucky Charms".

I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class.

I am not to refer to the Potions classroom as "Kitchen Stadium".

I will not tell Ron and Hermione to "Get a room" whenever they start to fight.

The Forbidden Forest is forbidden for a reason.

Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar.

I will not change the password to the prefects' bath to "Makes getting clean almost as much fun as getting dirty".

Asking "How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?" and walking away is only funny the first time.

There is not now, nor has there ever been, a fifth House at Hogwarts, and I am not a member of that house, nor am I its founder.

How many slytherins does it take to screw a light bulb?

5…1 to screw the light bulb and 4 to say with their father's connection at the ministry they could screw it faster

What's snape's boggart?

And he was like what?

And I said "A cauldron full of Shampoo!"

.-Knock, knock

-Who's there?

-Cornelius

-Cornelius who?

-Well, that's politics for you...

Why did Potter cross the road?

No reason, but someone will write a book about it.

Why did Draco cross the road?

So he could swing his hips at Potter.

Why did Crabbe and Goyle cross the road?

Draco did.

Why did the Dark Lord cross the road?

Because Potter couldn't stop him.

Why did Death Eaters cross the road?

The Dark Lord ordered it.

Why did Trevor cross the road?

To get away from Longbottom.

Why did Dumbledore cross the road?

He was following the poisoned lemon drops.

Why did Professor Snape stand in the road?

So no one could tell what side he was on.

Why do Slytherins cross the road twice?

Because they are double-crossers.

How many Purebloods does it take to screw in a light bulb?

What's a light bulb?

How many witches does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, the Wizarding World doesn't use light bulbs.

How many wizards does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to hold the bulb. One to rotate the room.

How many muggles does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. It is the only thing they are good for.

How many aurors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

The Dark Lord already killed the ones with that kind of know-how.

"WHY ARE YOU WORRYING ABOUT

YOU-KNOW-WHO?

YOU SHOULD BE WORRYING ABOUT

U-NO-POO-

THE CONSTIPATION SENSATION

THAT'S GRIPPING THE NATION!"

From harry potter and the half-blood prince

How many weasley's does it take to light up a wand?

Seven: Ginny to look upset and do nothing, Ron to sulk, Fred and George to blow it up, Percy to yell, Charlie to hold it in front of a dragon and Bill to roll his eyes at everyone.

How many Dark Lords does it take to light up a wand?

Two: One to light it and the other to kill him and take the credit.

How many Voldemorts does it take to light up a wand?

None, now you see that's why he's called the DARK lord.

No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do, I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class.

Growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is not "an extra credit project for Herbology".


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